Spaghetti and Meatballs

Tonight I fixed spaghetti and meatballs. A Denise staple. Surely what she would have fixed tonight with all of us here. We were all here, all of us, Erik and the girls and Harold. It wasn't just like hers, it never will be. But it was good and it brought a good night. The grandkids filled the house with laughter, Harold was smiling surrounded by his family. And a peace came over me. For the first time, I felt like we can all do this. I don't think a single person in the room didn't think about the fact that Denise wasn't physically here, but we were OK. Tonight she smiled. This is what she would want. How she would want us to be.

Today I emptied her closet. Part of clothes going back with me to make quilts, the other part Harold and I took to an organization that tries to get women back on their feet. That was what she would have wanted, not for it to stay here. It never would have been easier to do, so while the wound is fresh we needed to do it to help us all heal. At least me. To me it was my way to close a door, to take care of things for her. To take care of Harold.

And today, instead of Monday as expected, we picked her up. Tomorrow we will all go as a family to her favorite spot to spread her ashes. I feel so blessed to be able to be here for that and for the whole family to be together to do it. This is something WE must do, together.

So today, from one little spaghetti dinner, I know we will all be OK. It is still going to sting and hurt like hell, but we will all smile and laugh again, together. She will forever be not just in a chair, but filling the room. I know she is here, I know she stands by me, that she will show me the way. She will never be forgotten.

I feel like I'm spinning wheels in quick sand.

Mackenzie is doing ok. The thing she asked after telling her that Grandma went to heaven was "Waht does it look like when someone goes to Heaven?" As she still sees the physical being floating from the bed and moving to Heaven.

Turner asked "Did the police man shoot grandma in the leg and she went like this (falls off the couch on to the floor)" because in his world people only die because they get shot or killed with a lightsaber.

Austin just keeps giving us smiles, and the other day on the couch put his arm around me and held me and kissed my cheek. He knew mommmy needed it.

Mackenzie has learned to swim and they kids have been little water babies since we have been here.

Signs....so last night I was at my lowest. Went out with the guys to escape and there was a store right across from the bar named "I need an angel". Oh do I Denise...please be my angel.

Old friends,new friends and one heck of a long post

Skye and Mackenzie....new BEST friends! Means SOOOO much to me to see them together. Shows how far we have come from our "rockstar" days!

Warning to all that might be reading...this is a LONG post. With so much to update and so much going on, I have to log this all in for my own memories, don't feel obligated to read it all.

The past weekend we had a fantastic weekend with old friends, new(er) friends/family. A few weeks ago my old roomate from college found me on Facebook and we have rekindled a wonderful friendship. Jeff and I were roomates in college before and when Aaron and I met. Needless to say, we were more like family than just friends. I have missed Jeff and his message on Facebook to find me has meant so much. It is like we picked up right were we left out.. plus mariage and kids. It has been awesome. Last weekend we met up with them to go camping and also along for the ride were our wonderful neighbors. Cheri is actually related to Aaron in a long trail of family, and they really are like family to us. We would not have been able to make it through all of this without their support...emotional and physical. They were right there for us the night we found out about Aaron's mom having cancer and have been there for us every step of the way. They mean so much more to us than just neighbors.

Group camping photo: Jeff, Monique and Skye...Austin, Me, Aaron, Mackenzie and Turner...Cheri, Mason, Dustin, Trevor, Brendan, Scott

Absolutely crazy to see our kids together...during impromptu beach day
Did I mention impromptu - poor Austin didn't have a swim diaper, he was having some serious drag in the drawers before I finally just stripped him down. As I said, he would have made the perfect trailor park baby!

This weekend we are meeting up with Jeff and his family for our first 2 night camping experience and we can't wait. We might get some rain, but it will just make the memories stick all the more. There might be a mud fight in our future!

Tomorrow I am headed down to Mexico for my lil sis' MRI. They found a suspicous spot on her tibia this week through an xray done for an unrelated knee issue she has been having. The knee is fine, the spot is unrelated. We are praying for a benign spot. Mom called me tonight telling me there was no need to be there, but how could I not.

Denise's test came back great this week. The chemo is working. I will be there in a week and can't wait. She'll be finishing up round two of chemo the day I arrive, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to be valuable while I'm there.

All in all, yes I've got a lot on my plate, but I'll take it. I still have an unbelievable life, amazing kids, amazing husband, amazing family and friends. To point....today I came home to a beautiful vase of flowers. Now mind you, getting flowers delivered is not a normal occurence...but my wonderful friends, Kelly and Fran, had sent me flowers lettin me know that they are always here for me. It completely brightened my day and refuelled me. THANK YOU ladies...what an amazing feeling you gave me, it was like walking in to a big hug.