Swine flu blues

Austin, are you the doctor or the patient here?? I'm not sure if he is trying to protect himself from the germs or protect everyone else! lol

Yes, I even had to start a journal of medicines/times/people. Especially with mommy being sick and on meds myself, I couldn't keep it all straight.

This is what we looked like all weekend, momma and her sicko babies all tucked in bed. I admit that it was lots of nice snuggles...and I got caught up on every Hannah Montana, The Suite Life, and Wizards of Waverly place episode possible!

I thought maybe Dr. Mackenzie would take care of me...but she only does pets :(
Even the darn cat is sick! Has an abscess on his leg, has to wear this collar, on antibiotics....that was a nice surprise ER cat bill. But at least Mackenzie got to do real life research for her ER Vet costume for Halloween (ironically yes, we had already said she was going to be an ER vet before this mishap)

You know how sometimes it just feels like the world is taking one big CRAP right in your backyard?! Well, that is how things have felt around the Lively household for the past 3 months. 3 months ago was July 26th. That was the week we got Denise's diagnosis. Just 3 months ago. I still can't get over it. On top of all that, over the past 3 months it feels like we have gone broke, had everyone go through the swine flu, behind in everything, work sucks, the weather has been all cruddy and rainy, we didn't make it to the pumpkin patch this year....just seems like we are getting pushed down everywhere. I just need to get away, but we can't afford to get away from our problems. Oh well, I guess we just face them, cross our fingers and hope to get through it all, and remember we have 3 beautiful babies that are healthy and still love me(so far).

There were 2 great things that happened - I had two great friends have healthy baby boys this past week. Now I'm just sad that they are far enough away and I don't know when I'll be able to get there to see them between the money, the holidays, sicknesses, other commitments... But welcome to the world Eli and Parker! You can come visit Aunt Jen ANYTIME!

Well, I guess since this is supposed to be my journal.....

Dear me,
Man have we been through some tough times over the past few weeks. Sometimes I don't feel like I can put one foot in front of the other. Other times I feel well on my feet. But everything feels different. I question everything around me, every decision I've thought I could make. We HAVE to keep it together. If we don't, who will.

Spaghetti and Meatballs

Tonight I fixed spaghetti and meatballs. A Denise staple. Surely what she would have fixed tonight with all of us here. We were all here, all of us, Erik and the girls and Harold. It wasn't just like hers, it never will be. But it was good and it brought a good night. The grandkids filled the house with laughter, Harold was smiling surrounded by his family. And a peace came over me. For the first time, I felt like we can all do this. I don't think a single person in the room didn't think about the fact that Denise wasn't physically here, but we were OK. Tonight she smiled. This is what she would want. How she would want us to be.

Today I emptied her closet. Part of clothes going back with me to make quilts, the other part Harold and I took to an organization that tries to get women back on their feet. That was what she would have wanted, not for it to stay here. It never would have been easier to do, so while the wound is fresh we needed to do it to help us all heal. At least me. To me it was my way to close a door, to take care of things for her. To take care of Harold.

And today, instead of Monday as expected, we picked her up. Tomorrow we will all go as a family to her favorite spot to spread her ashes. I feel so blessed to be able to be here for that and for the whole family to be together to do it. This is something WE must do, together.

So today, from one little spaghetti dinner, I know we will all be OK. It is still going to sting and hurt like hell, but we will all smile and laugh again, together. She will forever be not just in a chair, but filling the room. I know she is here, I know she stands by me, that she will show me the way. She will never be forgotten.

I feel like I'm spinning wheels in quick sand.

Mackenzie is doing ok. The thing she asked after telling her that Grandma went to heaven was "Waht does it look like when someone goes to Heaven?" As she still sees the physical being floating from the bed and moving to Heaven.

Turner asked "Did the police man shoot grandma in the leg and she went like this (falls off the couch on to the floor)" because in his world people only die because they get shot or killed with a lightsaber.

Austin just keeps giving us smiles, and the other day on the couch put his arm around me and held me and kissed my cheek. He knew mommmy needed it.

Mackenzie has learned to swim and they kids have been little water babies since we have been here.

Signs....so last night I was at my lowest. Went out with the guys to escape and there was a store right across from the bar named "I need an angel". Oh do I Denise...please be my angel.

Old friends,new friends and one heck of a long post

Skye and Mackenzie....new BEST friends! Means SOOOO much to me to see them together. Shows how far we have come from our "rockstar" days!

Warning to all that might be reading...this is a LONG post. With so much to update and so much going on, I have to log this all in for my own memories, don't feel obligated to read it all.

The past weekend we had a fantastic weekend with old friends, new(er) friends/family. A few weeks ago my old roomate from college found me on Facebook and we have rekindled a wonderful friendship. Jeff and I were roomates in college before and when Aaron and I met. Needless to say, we were more like family than just friends. I have missed Jeff and his message on Facebook to find me has meant so much. It is like we picked up right were we left out.. plus mariage and kids. It has been awesome. Last weekend we met up with them to go camping and also along for the ride were our wonderful neighbors. Cheri is actually related to Aaron in a long trail of family, and they really are like family to us. We would not have been able to make it through all of this without their support...emotional and physical. They were right there for us the night we found out about Aaron's mom having cancer and have been there for us every step of the way. They mean so much more to us than just neighbors.

Group camping photo: Jeff, Monique and Skye...Austin, Me, Aaron, Mackenzie and Turner...Cheri, Mason, Dustin, Trevor, Brendan, Scott

Absolutely crazy to see our kids together...during impromptu beach day
Did I mention impromptu - poor Austin didn't have a swim diaper, he was having some serious drag in the drawers before I finally just stripped him down. As I said, he would have made the perfect trailor park baby!

This weekend we are meeting up with Jeff and his family for our first 2 night camping experience and we can't wait. We might get some rain, but it will just make the memories stick all the more. There might be a mud fight in our future!

Tomorrow I am headed down to Mexico for my lil sis' MRI. They found a suspicous spot on her tibia this week through an xray done for an unrelated knee issue she has been having. The knee is fine, the spot is unrelated. We are praying for a benign spot. Mom called me tonight telling me there was no need to be there, but how could I not.

Denise's test came back great this week. The chemo is working. I will be there in a week and can't wait. She'll be finishing up round two of chemo the day I arrive, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to be valuable while I'm there.

All in all, yes I've got a lot on my plate, but I'll take it. I still have an unbelievable life, amazing kids, amazing husband, amazing family and friends. To point....today I came home to a beautiful vase of flowers. Now mind you, getting flowers delivered is not a normal occurence...but my wonderful friends, Kelly and Fran, had sent me flowers lettin me know that they are always here for me. It completely brightened my day and refuelled me. THANK YOU ladies...what an amazing feeling you gave me, it was like walking in to a big hug.

I knew this was going to be a long week. Yesterday I stayed home alone with really upset stomach and body aches. Last night Mackenzie was running a fever. I gave her medicine at about 3 this morning and it never came back, but we stayed home together because she still said she wasn't feeling good. Might have been a little bit of not wanting to give up the Mommy time, but I was ok with it, our lazy day girl time was a good day.

In BIG news...Mackenzie is riding her bike with no training wheels!! On Monday we went down to the park by our house and she ran in to two of her friends from school. They had both just learned to ride and were on their bikes that day. So I promised her that the next night we would work on it. I couldn't believe how well she did. She was getting it pretty good...even with flat tires, a seat that kept turning, and too low! lol So yesterday morning before I realized I wasn't going to be able to make it to work, I took her bike to the gas station and filled up the tires. So yesterday she wanted to ride as soon as she got home. I sat by and watched as off she went! She is just doing it...I am so proud of her. She never gave up, never got frustrated, just kept trying until she got it.

Last night the boys Parents as Teachers came by. She (of course) is very impressed with both the boys, especially with Austin's talking. So Turner wants to be a pirate for Halloween, and what does every pirate have....a parrot! And we are always calling Austin our little parrot because he says EVERYthing that Mackenzie and Turner do!! I know it would be so mean....but so cute!! So you'll have to let me know if you find a good Parrot costume idea out there! BTW - Mackenzie wants to be a vet!

Back to the Grind

Can you believe it is only Monday. Ughhhh, already I feel like this is going to be a long week. We have some changes coming up:

1. The kids start with the new babysitter tomorrow. We met her on Saturday and she seemed great. I think it will be good for the kids, escpecially Turner learning his "preschool" skills to have something more structured.
2. Aaron starts back at Lou Fusz tomorrow....anyone need to refi! We hadn't intended on him going back, but the offer came in and with everything going on now we can use as much income as we can get and especially since in January Aaron starts student teaching and will basically have a full time job (with full time daycare costs) with no income :(
3. Aaron also starts back up with school this week. Tuesdays and Thursdays - so if any of you gals want to get together, it is only me and the kiddos those nights.
4. Caitlyn headed back to school yesterday, so the house is all ours again.
5. Well, this really started last week....Mackenzie has started soccer season again!! Last Thursday was her first practice. Daddy took her though because I had a PTA meeting. Saturday was her first game and she did GREAT! They lost, but she was all in to it and stayed agressive. Coach said he is going to turn her in to the next Mia (Ham?? - whatever her name is) I just love watching her play soccer. She looked like a high schooler out there though, so sporty and grown up.

That's about it. I booked my flight out to Phoenix in 3 weeks. Can't wait to be there. This weekend we didn't do to much, just soccer, sitting out with the neighbors, and yesterday I had a wedding shower. But it was beautiful weather. Would have been perfect for camping. I'm thinking we might have to take advantage of the weekend coming up.
I had applied for an internal job in Conneticut - but didn't get it :( Stinks Oh well, maybe next time. Guess it just wasn't the right time and place.

Is today over with YET!?!?!?