Hard Times

I guess I'm having kind of a hard time right now. Nothing major, but last night it hit me really hard....but my baby is really growing up. I know you are probably like "Gees Jennifer, you'd think by now you would be over this" but it hits me like a train at full speed every now and then and just crushes me and makes my whole chest hurt holding in the gush of tears that threaten to break through. So I take my moment to just be sad and grieve the stage that has just passed and will never be a part of my life again - and then have to get it together and not dwell on the time that has passed but live in the present so that I can enjoy each and every moment before it too quickly passes. Why is motherhood like this, what a complex life it is. On one hand you are in constant grieving for what has past by and you'll never experience the same way again, on another you don't even have time to think about past or future and are only in the immediate present, and all at the same time that you are looking forward the next stage that tomorrow will bring. Just so happens that yesterday and today I'm a leaning a little more towards the grieving of what has passed. The bringing out the next stage of clothes always brings it on. The physical reminder that my children are growing. Last night I had to bring out the box of 12M boys clothes for Austin. It is especially hard because it is all the clothes that I specifically remember Turner wearing. And Turner was so big when he was wearing them. I can remember I had gone out to Target that day by myself to get him some clothes. I came home with about 2 bags full, had spent about $100 and that was his winter wardrobe. Aaron was sitting on the couch when i came home and I sat the bag on the floor and sat down so Turner could come crawl up on my lap and I removed each piece from the bag to show it to Aaron. I loved all of those clothes, they were his "big boy" clothes, they made him look like a real little boy. It is like it was just yesterday i remember it so vividly. Plus on top of it all I've stopped breastfeeding this week, so even more Austin seems grown.
Even in the midst of all of this though, it isn't make me want another baby right now. I do kind of look forward to having all of my kids being able to walk. I look at little babies with a sense of nostalgia, but not sense of needing one right now. Guess we'll see if that all changes down the road, but I can truly say that right now at this time I am happy with the family I have. Of course, how could I not having 3 of the most beautiful perfect children in the world.